


Well If Life Ain't a Fucking Picnic...

by forthosebelow



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Anal Sex, Bottom Clint Barton, M/M, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 21:51:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4196199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forthosebelow/pseuds/forthosebelow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint teaches acrobatics to kids in the studio he runs with best friend/ballet instructor Natasha, has casual sex with his neighbor, and will eventually meet the love of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is what I create when I get writers block working on the fic I am desperately trying to complete. Not, you know, that Bruce/Tony story, like I should. And this is a chapter fic! I hate everything.  
> This will be eventual Clint/Phil. Why Clint/Thor now? I have no fucking clue. I repeat: I hate everything.

Natasha’s preschool class was in full swing when Clint entered the studio. “Up on your toes little ones. Stretch those muscles, lift those fingers. Good, good.” Her smile was genuine and she barley acknowledged Clint before leading the little trail of girls all dressed in pink in an exercise that involved pointing and flexing their feet. Clint flashed a smile to the moms who were appraising him in the corner and set to work prepping his next lesson. He was in the supply closet pulling out gymnastic rings when music started seeping in from the auto shop below. It was Black Sabbath or something equally as loud and not suitable for little girls in pink whose mothers watched them while they pirouetted around the room. “Clint?” Natasha stuck her head in the closet and asked with false cheer, “Would you mind?” Clint nodded, rolling his eyes in the direction of the floorboard.

He ran down the narrow staircase and burst through the side door to the shop. “Tony! Would you turn that shit down?”  
“Why, is interrupting all the little ballerinas?”

There was a smudge of grease underneath Tony’s eye and he twirled a clamp between his fingers for second before it clattered to the floor. Clint generally liked Tony, the mechanic was often loud and annoying but he rented them the space above his shop for cheap and let Clint putter around the shop and work on his bike for free whenever he felt like it. “Tony, Nat’s teaching a class right now of little girls and…” Suddenly, the music cut off.  
“Sorry, thought that class ended half an hour ago.”  
“Nah it runs till three. Thank you.”  
“Well you owe me the rent.”

Clint winked and moved to head back upstairs, “We paid up for three months last Wednesday, Tony, you just want me in the shop more.”  
“Well Stark Motors and Lube could always use just a little bit more of making people think about different kinds of lube.”  
“Ew, god, ew. I’m going upstairs now. See ya later.”  
“Yeah see ya at Nick’s”

Clint stretched after Natasha’s class was through, on one of the blue, relatively new and clean, mats, warming up for his class that started at four. “I’m going to Steve’s my littlest one.” Natasha crouched down in front of him and kissed his cheek. “He needs to work on his speed and I told him I’d give him some pointers. Are you going to the Old Country after your class?” Clint hmmed and rubbed at the leg that wasn’t tucked underneath him. “So yes. Tell Thor ‘hello’ for me.” Clint switched legs. “Just be home for dinner.” She kissed his other cheek and headed out the door, leotard half hanging out of her duffle bag.

He was teaching middle and high school boys acrobatics that afternoon. Most of them were in one of Natasha’s ballet classes as well and had signed up for his class as a way to gain more upper body strength to help do the lifts. Others were there because they were nerds, Clint assumed, because who just decided to learn acrobatics? Most of the moms stayed and watched and pretended to not play games on their phones and gossiped about the other moms. By the end of class Clint was happy with how the kids were coming along and even more happy that the class was over. He loved teaching but something about these boys got under his skin. He stacked the mats as everyone filed out and acted like he couldn’t hear the women telling her son to go wait for her in the car. When he turned around the women stuck a piece of paper with her number on it into the waistband of his sweat pants. She was wearing way too much eyeshadow. He feigned innocence and she got huffy and told him he was too good for Natasha. Clint hoped she’d keep bringing her kid and helping pay rent on the studio.

Tony was already closed for the day when Clint locked up the studio and the door that opened to the staircase. Classes always left him keyed up, itching to do something. That was the worst part about teaching, sometimes you got to do stuff, but most of the time you were just teaching other people how to. The Old Country was only two storefronts down and Thor knew to be waiting on him when the bell above the door clanged as Clint walked in. The Old Country was a bookstore that specialized in old books. Some were actually old and some were reprints but Thor did pretty good business for the location. The shop smelled of paper and cinnamon and looked clean and organized without looking like a public library. Books were stacked in random places and maps hung at odd angles on the wall. The shelves were a maze and none of the bookshelves matched.

“Thor?” Clint called out. Thor usually sat in his spinning office chair behind the counter near the front of the store, usually carving wood or reading. Clint headed deeper into the shop passing the stairs and considered running up to see if Bruce was in or if he was pretending to not be watching for Natasha at Steve’s. But then he felt Thor’s massive hands pulling at his waist and back against Thor’s hard chest.  
“How was your class?” Thor asked against his neck before placing sucking kisses against it. “I know it was good because you would not be here if it was not.”  
“Is Bruce in?”   
“No, he headed out a few minutes ago and I just closed the shop. No one will be able to hear you scream if that’s what you’re worrying about.”

The kisses had turned to bites and Clint felt himself melting. Slowly, Thor backed them up and manhandled Clint so he was sitting on Thor’s desk. “Stay here.” Thor commanded, his whiskers tickling against Clint’s ear. Thor pulled the blinds closed, flipped the lock on the front door, and started to strip as he walked back towards the desk. They had been hooking up for months and Clint had yet to discover if the impressively large man before him was actually named Thor, or if he had just told people that when he had moved in and opened the store, to add to the appeal. “What do you want, sweetheart?” Clint allowed himself to be moved around as Thor removed his t-shirt and stopped to thumb over Clint’s nipples.  
“Wanna ride you.” 

Thor pushed him back on the desk and quickly stripped him of his shoes, socks, pants, and underwear. “You are going to scream for me aren’t you baby?” Thor asked from between Clint’s spread legs. “Especially when I get my tongue on your needy little hole?”  
“Yes, sir!”

Clint’s cock was completely ignored as Thor kissed down form Clint’s hipbone to his rim. He could not stop the truly desperate and embarrassing noises as Thor licked over him, tongue barley probing into his entrance. Thor’s hands tightened on his thighs and dragged him forward. And he did scream when Thor’s tongue pushed inside the muscle. It didn’t take long before Clint was trying to hold onto the slick surface of the desk and trying not to buck his hips. Thor moved his mouth back with a slurp that almost echoed. He placed gentle kisses above Clint’s kneecaps in a sharp contrast to where his mouth his just been.

The office chair creaked slightly as Thor half spun mindlessly as he watched Clint spread his ass cheeks and prep his hole with the lube Thor always kept in his desk. After a minimal amount of time Clint felt like he was stretched enough and he used the excess lube to slick up the condom on Thor’s cock. Thor gripped Clint’s hips with one hand as Clint straddled the bigger man, the other guiding his cock into the waiting hole. His cock was huge, the biggest Clint had ever seen, and the first time they had fooled around Clint hadn’t been sure he could ever be stretched enough to take it. Clint never did take the time to prepare himself as much as he knew he probably needed to. He liked the burn of it, how Thor always made him take, how his own whimpers sounded. 

Clint muffled his screams against Thor’s shoulders but by the time he came, all he could let out was a gasp. He came untouched, for some reason Thor never touched his cock and he never could remember to reach down and jerk himself off. He went lax when he was done coating their stomachs in his come and Thor picked him up, placed him over the desk, and thrust back in, before Clint even became aware of the loss. It hurt now that he was oversensitive but he didn’t mind and after a few moments Thor spilled inside of him. They panted for a minute, Thor pressed snugly against Clint’s back. The cheap paper towels from the shop’s bathroom scraped a bit as they used them to clean up the mess and the buried the condom under the pile of them in the bathroom. Thor relocked the store as they headed out together into the twilight.

On their way the past by Days Gone By Boxing Ring and met up with Natasha, Steve who owned and managed the place, and Bruce. All the gossip surrounding Bruce said that he had a doctorate degree in something but now he ran a yoga studio above Thor’s bookstore. The five of them all walked to Nick’s. According to the neon sign above the door Nick’s had a totally different name but nobody called the diner that. It had always just been Nick’s. Nick knew all of them by name and rented the apartment above the restaurant to Clint and Natasha. Everyone who lived and/or lived on the block called Nick “papa” when they were certain he couldn’t hear them. All of them had waited or busted tabled for him when they were short on cash. He’d always hire them for the day with no questions asked.

The rest of their group was waiting in the diner when they walked in. Tony and Sam were at one end of the table lost in discussion but Sam still managed to catch Clint’s eye and wink at him when Thor pulled out his chair. Rhodey was texting. He always sorta felt like Bernie from Rent to Clint. He had connections to the group and worked on the block but he didn’t belong here like the rest of them did. Sam and Rhodey, or James as he kept trying to tell them, ran the recruitment and VA center for the area. Tony slept in the apartment above with Sam. Rhodey lived in an actual apartment complex. Steve, Thor, and Bruce lived above Steve, so everyone considered Rhodey very lucky to not be living above some sort of place of business. 

Clint found himself sitting in between Steve and Thor. The two were almost stereotypically bros but Steve was always a little tense when he knew that Thor and Clint had just been fucking. Not that Steve would have ever used that word in that context. When Clint started to realize that his dry streak could not continue and that he would never find the time to go to bar and that he needed to start hooking up with one of his neighbors, Steve had been at the top of his list. The man was absolutely gorgeous but he gentle and sweet and maybe even wanted a relationship and Clint had backed off and started to sleep with Thor who was much more his speed. Thor was demanding and dominant and Steve was as much of a sub as Clint knew he himself was.

For the most of the meal he watched Bruce and Natasha flirt. If it could actually be called flirting. He winced most of the time but at least they were amusing. Tony and Rhodey had started to fight and Steve and Thor were talking boxing stances and Sam was being hit on by the waitress. She was a sweetheart and had been working there since she started college a year ago. She knew all their names but Sam was the newest and apparently feeling Darcy’s breasts push against your arm as she refiled you glass was some new sort of hazing ceremony. Clint remembered the feeling well.

The table shut up instantly when Natasha shushed them and pulled out her ringing cell phone. She nodded for a moment, listening, answered a couple questions. Everyone waited expectantly for what the call had been about when she hung up. “I’m getting a new student.”  
“That’s all,” Tony laughed, “It sounded like you were getting interrogated.”  
“Her dads just a little overprotective is all.”

Eventually everyone finished eating, squared things away with Nick, and headed out. Clint and Natasha helped Darcy clean the table before heading up the back staircase to the place they had made home. “Love you, Clint.” Natasha kissed his forehead.  
“Love you too, Tasha.”

And they went to bed.


	2. Chapter 2

The dance studio was illuminated in the yellow glow of early morning, dust getting swirled up and caught in sunbeams, as Clint and Natasha prepped for another busy day. They could hear Tony down below them and smell bacon grease coming from Nick’s. They worked in relative silence, straightening this and putting away that, just happy to be together in the calm. It wasn’t going to be a particularly busy day, just two classes for Natasha and one for Clint but they liked to be prepared. The stretched together and ran through the steps that Natasha needed his help to teach the high-schoolers.

The girls and boys started to trickle in and Natasha worked with a few of them who needed a little bit more practice. The class started and Clint did the few steps plus the lift, Natasha feeling almost feather light in arms. She moved with such grace and Clint loved watching her dance almost more than anything else. He lifted some of the girls so Natasha could correct their stances without also feeling like she needed to correct the lift itself. After the class was through, Natasha settled against a wall to read as Clint taught gymnastics to a co-ed group of kids. They considered the first half of the day to be a success.

They went to Nick’s for lunch and brought Tony a sandwich when they came back. The mechanic never remembered to eat when he had a car in the shop. Natasha had gone ahead up the stairs because her next class was starting soon as Clint waited for Tony to realize that someone else was there. Eventually, Tony rolled himself out from underneath the car and took the paper bag from Clint’s hand and devoured the contents without ever making eye contact. When the sandwich was gone he nodded his thanks to Clint and pulled out a blow torch. Clint hurried out of the shop.

When he was part way up the stairs, no longer concerned about having his hair accidently lit on fire and not at all concerned about Tony’s lack of thanks, Clint heard the door to the stairs being opened a light person and heavier person start to climb the stairs behind him. He paused by the door to the studio and held it open for the duo behind him. A small girl with big brown eyes and dark brown hair and a balding blond, middle aged man, both thanked him and Clint’s heart got caught in his throat. The man was gorgeous in a modest way. Bright blue eyes and kind features. 

Clint stayed in the studio for the class, only allowing himself to glance at the man, who stuck out horrendously amidst the crowd moms, every couple minutes. The little girl, Clint noticed, wasn’t prepared like all the other little girls were. She was in a tank top and cotton leggings while the girls were in leotards and tights. Her hair was in a ponytail while everyone else’s was in a bun. Clint couldn’t fix the clothes but he could fix the hair.

He walked around the edges of the room and approached the man slowly. “Clint Barton.” He said instead of hello, sticking out his hand. The man was in a tailored suit, he hadn’t bought it at a department store for a wedding, he obviously lived or at least worked in suits.  
“Phil Coulson,” The man, Phil, replied, handshake firm.

“Is she yours?” Clint asked, nodding to the little girl. He had never learned how to ask that question politely and had given up trying. If he got slapped he got slapped.  
“Adopted but yes. It would take a miracle for me to actually make a child that tan.”

The class was winding down and Natasha was leading the gaggle of girls in some simple stretching exercise. Clint stood by Phil. “I can teach you how to put her hair up. If you want?” He offered, blush inexplicably rising. Curse cute men with cute kids.   
“Uh, sure. She’d like that, probably.”  
“Then I’m gonna go steel some of Natasha’s spare, never been used, hair pins, if you’ll excuse me for a second.”

Phil smiled at him as he ducked into the tiny bathroom to pull bobby pins from under the sink. When Clint got the back, the class was over and the little girl was standing with Phil. Phil called her ‘lovebug’ and Clint thought he was going to melt. 

The little girl looked suspiciously at him when he approached, “Skye, this is Mr. Clint. He’s going to show me how to put your hair up like Miss Natasha’s.” Her eyes where huge and Clint had a feeling that the girl could read him like a book, but she turned around and tilted her head down slightly, giving a small ‘kay’ in response. Clint undid the existing ponytail and the gathered the girl’s thick hair at the crown of her head and checked to make sure Phil was paying attention. He was with a level of thoughtfulness that Clint had not been expecting. Clint twisted the hair in front of him gently and showed Phil where to coil and pin the hair until it rested in a perfect circle of glistening brown.

“That should do it.” Clint smiled down at his handiwork, smoothing down a flyaway and pretending to not notice Phil nudging Skye with the tip of his shoe.

“Thank you.” She said, hand reaching up to feel the bun.   
“No problem, happy to be of service.”

Phil reached to shake his hand again and Clint knew his grip was a little too tight but Phil didn’t seem to mind. “Thanks for the help. I look forward to seeing you again.”   
“Yeah, you too.”

Clint let himself stare just a little as Phil grabbed Skye’s hand and they made their way to the stairwell. “Bye Skye!” Natasha called from closer to his ear then Clint had been expecting, and the little girl and Phil turned around to smile at her before the departed and Clint knew that Phil knew that he had been staring. And the bastard and smiled. Just the corners of his lips, almost a smirk.

When the door closed behind them Clint spun on his heel to face his best friend, “I am so fucked.” Natasha just smiled.


	3. Not an Actual Chapter

So just some little tidbits about this ‘verse that I doubt I’ll ever write into an actual story because even though I have a bunch of ideas for this story every time I go to write another chapter I hit a block. So here's a look at how everything ends up. Maybe one day I will actually finish writing it. Thank you for reading my completely ridicules AU. 

Clint used to date Loki when he was a teenager and Loki was in his twenties and while nothing was ever forced, Clint wonders about how much he actually wanted Loki or if he just wanted Loki to stay with him. He did not know that Thor and Loki are brothers before he started sleeping with Thor.

Melinda May teaches Thai Chi in Bruce’s yoga studio on Thursday evenings and Nick is always in attendance 

Phil works for Pepper Potts

Phil found Skye in an abandoned van when she was a baby. She calls him papa.

Natasha emigrated from Russia when she was a little girl with her uncle. She was very good at ballet and he enrolled her in a dance academy where she stayed until she was twenty. There were grueling hours, cruel instructors, and constant competition, but she loved dancing. She met Clint when she was nineteen and he was seventeen and she saw a scared little boy who was trapped in his life at the circus. She wanted to help him more than she had wanted anything before. He saw something very similar in her and together they helped each other build new lives. They were never together romantically or physically.  
Natasha once slept with Pepper. Natasha and Bruce are together when Phil reintroduces them. Then Pepper, Natasha, and Bruce have a threesome. They all continually wonder if they want it to become something more.

Jane is a professor and the local university. Darcy was once her student and has had a crush on her ever since.

Tony met Pepper once in a bar, they made out and neither remember it.

Phil once saw Clint perform at the circus when he was on leave from the Army with some friends.

Phil found out about Natasha’s dance studio from his co-workers Maria Hill and Victoria Hand who had enrolled their twins Jemma and Leo in her classes.

Jemma, Leo, and Skye become best friends.

Steve is still skinny!Steve running the boxing ring. He won the lightweight boxing championship at twenty-two but had his eardrums were blown after being repeatedly punched in the head by his opponent who went by the name Cross Bones. He started the ring because wasn’t sure what else to do.  
Steve and Bucky were best friends growing up. Bucky joined the military while Steve was working the boxing circuit as a newbie as a way to try to provide for Steve. He went missing in action four days before the championship match but Steve didn’t know until two months later. Bucky was recovered after six years. He now lives with Steve.

Peggy was Steve and Bucky’s teacher growing up.

Tony inherited the shop from his father.

Thor and Steve start sleeping together after Clint and Phil get together. Steve is the only person Thor has told his real name (Donald). Clint walked in on them once.

Bucky is asexual. 

Sam and Darcy dated after Darcy graduated. When she ran for office, he followed her everywhere on the campaign trail. The got married after she was sworn into office and Sam became a stay at home dad to raise their gaggle of kids.

Steve is the honorary godfather to all of Sam and Darcy’s kids because he was the only Catholic Darcy knew.

Clint and Phil never get married but they do buy and live in a small yellow house two blocks from the studio with Skye.

Bruce and Natasha do get married. Despite the fact that they both desperately wanted children they couldn’t so they adopted a legion of cats and named them after Lord of the Ring characters.

Clint hates himself for ever going through a leather and eyeliner phase when Skye is a teenager and dated a “bad boy” named Grant.

Bucky is very protective of Skye.

Rhodey never does really join the group.

Phil takes over the diner when Nick passes away. He plans on leaving it to Skye.

And basically they all end up happily ever after

**Author's Note:**

> So a short run down of how the block actually looks in my head:  
> Rhodey and Sam work at one end and Sam and Tony live above. Thor is next to them on the left and Bruce's studio is above him. Steve's boxing ring is next and he, Bruce, and Thor live about that. Then comes Fury's diner and Clint and Natasha live above. Tony is on the other side and Clint and Natasha work above him.
> 
> I hope that helps. I had a crappy paint sketch but you cant paste them into author notes and I did not feel like putting another chapter in for just that. So...


End file.
